Buckle up, my friends. Here we go.
First of all there are no such things as mermen – these are made-up so that men feel included in the mermaid story.
If I was a mermaid – I would be a trickster – I would comb my hair, grown long to attract a mate and show them how feminine and luscious I was. From afar, with the sun in their eyes, they would be smitten – saying “Ahoy!” to their other seamen and steering their ship full speed ahead to the small outcropping I sat upon.
As they came closer though, they wouldn’t find me… the ocean would bellow up, winds gust more gustily and white caps would surround them.
The next thing they would see are large tentacles grabbing at their boat, tearing down the mast, puncturing the sides – in all their fear and panic they would notice these tentacles were made of finely woven fibres, like human hair.
The men would shriek and yell – and just when the time was right and the ugliest, bro-iest of the seamen looked overboard – he would see my beautiful face, glistening mermaid body and luscious hair – although he would now understand that the hair kraken taking down his ship and men was not rooted at the top of my head – but it came from between my legs.
These rapey fucktards were being lost at sea by the pubic hairs on my vagina.
where rivers are born 