Calling up my fears yet not hiding them with words. An onion may get chopped if it decides to take over.
Well, my heart is here – it has big love, yet she is fearful too. Back to those safe spaces – or the veneer smile that reflected safe spaces in prismatic triangle shards around you, behind you, cloaking you – so you felt safe at least to your skin level – but something in your core was always calling out.
My mom and sister are bullies – I’ve learned to find my safety elsewhere.. at least for the most part. I can stir too much cayenne into the family soup too – so I’ve decided to leave the spoon on the counter and let the last stir sift and sort out the chunks to let them settle where they may.
I say this now – but the heart’s boundaries tend to soften and squish with empathy or maybe sympathy – which is, I think, used as another tool for selfishness and avoidance.
I can’t wait to move out of this house. It is my mother’s. Well, she bought it as an ‘investment property’ when I, my partner and our kid (and dog) got fucked around by a skeezy landlord who only wanted a few months rent before they put the house on the market in Spring.
We paid their mortgage and started our new life, the first days as a family in a ticking time bomb.
So, my mom to the rescue – purchased a new construction townhome for us to live in. Most people are shocked at her generosity – however, as a skilled daughter of hers with 36 plus years of lived experience, I know this comes at a cost.
where rivers are born 